i'm a work in progress. every day is another trial and another lesson. i'm just trying to learn how to live and love the life i've been given. this is my journey.
I’m not as happy or healthy as I think I might come off on this blog. I don’t think it seems like it on here, but I struggle every day. I struggle with my body, I struggle with food, I struggle with clothes, I struggle with life. Mostly I struggle with how much I hate myself so much of the time. I go through ups and downs on a daily basis. I’m in a down mood right now which I guess is why I’m writing this. I get depressed and I don’t even know why half the time. Maybe more like most of the time. Nearly all of the time? Things just get so overwhelming and I tend to shut down and barely be able to think let alone function as a successful human. And I just… get angry at myself over and over. and over. Which makes me hate myself more because what the fuck is wrong with me anyway? I hate feeling like this though. And a big part of me thinks/knows its mostly in my control. But I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. Be positive? Say nice things to myself? Why? Anyone going through the same thing knows that trying to do that feels like a complete crock of bullshit. It doesn’t matter what you say if you don’t believe it. OY. I’m sorry for being depressing here, but writing it out helps a tiny bit. I hope you can understand.
My weekend started out really great actually. My roommate and I went to the Green Festival which was SUPER fun and we also did a nice long walk in the morning before hand and it was beautiful out, so I was feeling great. We were supposed to go out later in the night with my boyfriend and some other friends to see our friend’s band play at a bar. When we got home from the Green Festival though, I was pretty wiped out from being on our feet all day. But not time to rest, had to shower and get ready to go out.
I don’t know about you guys but most of the times that I go out, the absolute worst part of it is finding something to wear. Not only am I not making much money so I haven’t been shopping in ages, but I have a hard time finding something that I feel cute/hot/sexy/etc in. Saturday was particularly bad. I really almost had a meltdown. After finally picking the best of the worst, I was in a terrible no-fun mood. We all hopped in the cab to go to the bar and I seriously was battling a flood of tears for the next couple of hours. I could barely speak and I was trying so hard to keep it to myself but it was obvious to my boyfriend, my roommate, and probably anyone else who looked at my face, that I was on the verge of crying. I’m still sort of in a depression now. I don’t think, actually I KNOW this isn’t JUST about clothes. I know there is more to it than that and not feeling comfortable before going out on Saturday was just a trigger for this depression episode. I’m trying to let it go. It’s really hard. And the rainy weather only brings me down more. I’m struggling and not sure how to deal with it. This is such a sad and lonely feeling, it really hurts.
something i need to work hard to remember…